Kern Pharmaceuticals

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Kern Pharmaceuticals has the following divisions and associations:

  • Kern Co.
  • K Corp.
  • Kern Farms
  • Kern Realtors
  • Kern Summer Camps
  • Kern Summer Camps For Girls
  • Kern Burger
  • Kern School of Magic and Illusion
  • Kern School of Magic and Illusion Debunking
  • Citizens for a True Democracy
  • Patriots for Freedom
  • Patriots for Democracy
  • Citizens for Democracy
  • Citizens for Freedom
  • Stand Up and Be Counted
  • Project X-44


Kern's products include Peniscillin, SkinnySlim and Chocolageddon (active ingredient: cellumorph), Prozorc (Prozac that also gives you a "little boost"), Lofnol (Zoloft x2).

Side effects from some Kern products include: dry mouth, minor headache, minor diarrhea, headaches, heart stoppage, stomach worm hatching, and night prowls.

Charitable programs in place at Kern include:

  • The Yearly Pencil Drive for employees' children (1 really thick pencil per family)
  • The Kern car wash (local children wash Kern executives' cars and "then we take 'em to a local sporting event as payment," for example seeing Shanya Twain or Alabammy play at the Waco amateur Rodeo).
  • Bucks for Boats - buying rowboats for underprivileged inner city kids.
  • Ski Lessons for inner city Houstonites
  • 2 Million Gift Boxes for needy kids, containing the greatest gift anyone could ever give someone - "imagination." The boxes were cheaply covered, radioactive Peniscillin containers.