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Lighthouse is a Larry Smirthwaite bio-pic being made by Smirthwaite in collaboration with extreme filmmaker Trent L. Strauss.


Greg (Smirthwaite), a superhot, coat check God, works at The Crystal Room in NY, breaking up mob fights and getting it on with superhot chicks in the coat room. One day, he gets a call from Michael, his coat-checking mentor. He's opening a new restaurant in western Maine called The Lighthouse, which will serve mostly crab fare. The Lighthouse's primarily clientele is super-rough, hardcore fisherman, who are constantly getting into fights, throwing nets on each other, and stuffing fish in each other's private areas. Michael wants Greg to come work for him because his two previous coat check guys were killed by local fisherman.

Greg accepts the job and goes to what Larry terms "Hell on Earth". He starts cleaning house there and things are going so well that The Lighthouse starts stealing business from The Golden Wharf, the other big seafood place run by Captain Logan. Logan wages war on the staff of The Lighthouse by ordering his henchmen to throw a burning row boat through the front window of The Lighthouse, causing the coat check room to go up in flames. Someone had checked their baby, and Greg hears it crying, so he rescues it along with two other checked kids to save the day.

Now it's Greg's turn to go wild and throw down some hard revenge on Logan. Greg's initial idea was to use his fists, but in order to make it more exciting, Strauss suggested shredding the faces of the henchmen with a motorboat engine. In the film, Greg will complete that task and then sneak into The Golden Wharf's coat check room, where he hides in the huge coat pockets of Ukranian giant Leonid Stadnik.

Larry wanted Greg to beat Logan with pans from the kitchen, catch him in a net, and throw him in the water. However, Trent rewrote the scene so that Logan is impaled on a giant skewer and lowered into a boiling pot teeming with sharks and crabs, resulting in a lot of squirtage from all the usual places as he's eaten alive. In an homage to The Tool Belt Killer, Logan -- now reduced to just stumps -- gets saved by the ghosts of a Viking fisherman since The Golden Wharf is built on an old viking burial ground, a thematic staple of Strauss's films. The Viking ghosts start wailing on Greg and peel his face off, but Greg eventually turns the tables and saws off the private parts of the ghosts and Captain Logan with a rusty harpoon razor.