Montgomery Davies

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Montgomery Davies is a former judge living in Newbridge. He was disbarred for using a mysterious device under his robe in the courtroom. He's also a Paul Simon enthusiast. On the 7/11/06 show, Judge Davies called to discuss the the device's history, its future, and Tom's role as a potential pitch man.

On the 8/22/06 show, it was revealed that Davies introduced the device to his nephew, Don Klaumenser. Klaumenser has used devices made from cresote/hickory and crabmeat/aluminum. The latter device features a timer that goes to 57, compared to the standard 50.

History of the Device

Davies admits to using the device for 22 years, though he’s gone through many different models. Back in the mid-1980s, the device was in its nascent, more crude form.

The original devices were made of ivory and had a more square shape, while current models are roundish and constructed from either polyurethane or treated birch. The old analog devices utilized a series a small tension rods, a large flywheel, and a small cushion made of either foam or fiberglass. Judge Davies was caught with a late-1990s model that, while good, was not state-of-the-art and left quite a bit to be desired. One of the main issues was the fishing line, which was hard to keep untangled, especially if you did not apply the recommended kind of oil. For some reason, the oil was very hard to find in Newbridge, so Davies hard to order it directly from the manufacturer of the device. It was always on backorder, so Davies was forced to rely on a different weight oil that was only stocked in certain local convenience stores. That oil did not really help out with the detangling efforts and it also left a thick residue ring on the inside of the canister receptacle. As a result, a large amount of smoke could be produced when the device shifted into the next gear.

Tom wonders how the device was smoking. Davies explains that it was an issue of overload. The new high-end models are digital, which eliminates the problem of backfires and stallouts. They also produce a readout, a feature which baffles Tom. Davies confirms that an actual piece of paper prints out. Tom wants to know what kind of information is on the printout, but Davies doesn’t want to get into it. He does say that the new models are also very silent. He ordered one, but it got screwed up at the factory. It was not only the wrong size, but it also came with toggle switches instead of the acrylic push-button controls as stated in the advertisement. Davies did try one of the digital ones and found that it delivered a nice, smooth performance, but the noise of the device he was caught with did him in. He tried various noise filters, but none of them were effective. The battle was trying to keep the water pressure at a good level while prevening the noise of the micro-jets from getting too loud. The one he had on order uses high-density steam instead of water jets, creating a more top-shelf performance.

Davies gives some history on the evolution of the device, citing it as a real testament to man’s ingenuity. In the very early days of the device, they were made from a paste of straw, sheepskin, and granite. Davies cannot even imagine trying to use a device made from stone. Davies has seen the version of the device used by Babe Ruth, and while it was a step up from the one used by Ben Franklin and Billy The Kid, it’s still "positively barbaric". The so-called grommets were fashioned out of corn husks and the device used a cone made from coal as a dispersement mechanism.

The Future

Davies wonders how far they are going to go with designs for the device. Tom says it’s just a matter of technological advancements. Davies is focusing his attention on the future of the device and has just finished a prototype of a device that is "positively space-age". Davies is certain that it will change how we think about the device. He doesn’t think Tom will believe it, but he tells him anyway: it’s all one piece and it runs on body heat. It’s also positively sound-free and has noise-canceling shields next to the motor housing. It’s a foolproof setup that looks like a small Formula-1 racecar and will revolutionize the marketplace.

Marketing Strategy

Davies wants to know if Tom wants to invest some money in a startup effort. Davies needs funds since his lost his pension as a result of the incident. Tom’s not in the market for investing, so Davies wants to know if he would at least model the device for the advertising campaign. Tom immediately refuses because he’s not a client and is not comfortable promoting the product. Davies wonders if it’s because Tom is ashamed of his abs, which will be seen in the promotional pictures. Davies is certain that Tom will become a client and plans to order one of the current judges to make him one. Tom wonders how he will pull that off since he has no interest in using it, and Davies says that several judges owe him for outfitting them with devices. Davies want to do the same for Tom.

Fallout

At the end of the call, a whoosing sound is heard, and Davies reveals that he's using one of the old devices live on the air. Tom thinks he’s disgusting. Davies requests to have a "device-a-thon" with Tom. Tom declines, hangs up, and thinks he needs to take a shower.