The Trial of Petey

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The Trial of Petey, in which 8-year old Petey defended himself of the charge that he was ruining the show, was the culmination of a series of events that began early in 2004:
Petey, a frequent Best Show contributor, had decided that he would take a self-imposed leave of absence from the program and surprised Tom and the listeners by announcing his intentions on the air during a Best Show call. While Tom was upset that Petey did not run the plan by him off-air, Petey assuaged his fears by letting Tom know that he had lined up a stand-in for himself, Boring Dan. However, the appallingly unfunny Boring Dan dragged The Best Show into the turlet, getting the mirth and the mayhem all covered with filthy turlet water, and was such a complete disaster as Petey's understudy that Tom was moved to ban Petey from the show for 22 weeks.

Off-air, Petey asked Tom for an opportunity to appeal the decision. Tom agreed and told Petey to take it to court-- to Judge Tommy's Court. The Trial of Petey would take place during the final two hours of The Best Show, and the listeners would decide Petey's fate-- either uphold the 22-week ban, or allow Petey to return to the show.

The Trial

Petey's unruly behavior turned Judge Tommy's courtroom into a circus sideshow. Petey chose to appear in court in a Aqua Teen t-shirt and dirty blue jeans, and repeatedly referred to His Honor, The Honorable Judge Tommy as "Tom" and "Tommy." The proceedings were also interrupted by unwelcome and inappropriate remarks by Faffer, who had to be dragged from the courtroom kicking and screaming by Judge Tommy himself. (Judge Tommy had refused a bailiff, even though Officer Tom had offered his services to the court.)

In spite of his courtroom behavior, Petey laid out a compelling argument for himself. He argued that sometimes he "made the funny" and that his animations and video games were important contributions to The Best Show. Petey entered into evidence an affidavit by a Hollywood Insider that the entire Boring Dan episode was Petey's postmodern comment on "The Darren Principle," as it is known in the entertainment industry; and more broadly, a comment on the fluid and mutable nature of personal identity-- the Adaptation of Best Show calls. Testimony was also given that Petey's "The Tommy Song" was responsible for creating an entire sub-genre of music, the Best Show tribute song. Above all, Petey implored listeners to "look to the Petey inside [them]" before passing judgment. Several callers testified on behalf of Petey's character. Other callers (including one caller with orange crate furniture) took the opportunity to express their dislike of Petey and their ardent hope for a Petey-free 22 weeks to come.

Just when it looked like Petey was in the clear, Jason took the stand armed with chat transcripts that would drop one bombshell after another on the courtroom. Jason revealed that Judge Tommy had indeed had prior knowledge of Petey's planned hiatus, dealing a huge blow to the prosecution's case. However, further transcripts exposed young Petey as a foul-mouthed racist who thought "Hitler had some pretty good ideas,"¹ causing Chris L. to quip, "Siggle Heil."

After a short summation, it was time for the jury to deliver its verdict. As the verdict was handed in, Judge Tommy offered the defendant a series of plea bargains, but the brash child-racist's mind was perhaps too clouded by hate to accept Judge Tommy's wisdom. With everyone on the edge of their seat, a verdict of not guilty was handed down, exonerating Petey of the entire Boring Dan debacle (if not his egregious racist beliefs). Petey was allowed to finish his self-imposed hiatus as planned, and return to The Best Show at his lesiure.

¹paraphrased because what Petey actually said is too horrifying to repeat.

The Verdict

The callers were instructed to vote "Guilty" or "Not Guilty." The first option to reach a decisive 12 votes would be verdict handed down.

Vote #?: Spike, "Cut off his testicles" (stricken from record due to creepiness)

The sequel

The Second Trial of Petey went underway not much longer, on August 8, 2006.