Toilet rock

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Toilet rock is a non-existent music genre created by journalist Bill Chippert. In March of 2003, Chippert wrote an incendiary "lid-blower" piece on toilet rock for his column The Chippert Report, hoping to impress and gain employment with Fox News.

Chippert described toilet rock bands like The Crapeaters, The Stench, Mr. Wilson's Crotch, Shitface, Beat Off, The Snot and Pant Pudding as "GG Allin times a hundred". According to Chippert, the genre was popular with kids in the Midwest, and would soon take over the whole country.

The column, published in the Iowa Music Connection, blamed Tom Scharpling for perpetuating toilet rock with his weekly radio show Welcome to the Toilet Bowl. The nation's toilet rock fans would tune into Scharpling's program to get their fix of the "vile genre". Scharpling's quote in the piece read "Like it or not, Iowa, for better or worse, toilet rock is here to stay, mark my words."

The Ancient History of Toilet Rock

From the July 2000 edition of "Rave On," Western Maine's only Rock 'n' Roll Paper:

After a long absence, "toilet rock" is back on the western Maine scene. A trio out of West Hoover called TURD BURGLAR have been making quite a bit of noise of late. "Our shows are so fucking outrageous, it’s not funny," drummer Tighty Whitey told RAVE ON. "Going apeshit is our number one priority." With songs like "Pink Piston" and "Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions and a Sesame Seed Bun (That I Just Wiped My Ass With)", they shouldn’t fail to shock and offend audiences – which is exactly how they want it. "Man, I just want to make people laugh, make them puke, whatever," singer Vomitus Toilet Seat added. "We’re so outrageous!" Look for a debut CD-R from the band CREAMY S*IT SOUP, later this year. The band promises that it will include their "outrageous" covers of the Britney Spears hit "Oops… I Did It Again" and the theme from the television program SURVIVOR.

And from the August 2000 edition:

King of 'Toilet Radio' Pay-Per-View

Rory Blake has announced that he will be the host of a pay-per-view special on August 26th called Fuc*TV. Blake, who was recently fired by local radio station AM 620 for "indecency beyond the bounds of anything previously thought possible," promises that his special will be "like watching three porn flicks, all the Die Hard movies, ECW and a public execution, all at the same time." Blake was also quoted as saying that the event will "totally be totally fuc*ed."

And, of course, the September 2000 edition:

'King of Toilet Radio' Dies in Spectacular Pay-Per-View Death: Rory Blake 1969-2000

Self-proclaimed "King of Toilet Radio" Rory Blake passed away August 26th due to injuries incurred while performing on his pay-per-view TV special. "It seems that Mr. Blake was attempting do perform a stunt in which he....orally pleasured himself... while seated in a glass enclosure filled with with several thousand bees," said Searidge County coroner Walter Mertz.

Assistant beekeeper Marvin Bloom attempts to corral some of the deadly bees

Mertz continued: "On reviewing the tape of the incident, it appears that Mr. Blake was in trouble just moments after entering the case. He was, how do I put this tactfully, having trouble achieving the necessary state of 'excitedness' and appeared to have gone into a panic. At about this time, a local music group by the name I have to say this...Turd Burglar... began performing one of its numbers. The low bass frequencies apparently agitated the insects and caused them to attack the now fully-panicked Blake. Rescue was rendered impossible when the entire crew, head beekeeper included, fled the scene."

Blake's ashes will be given to the woman attending his funeral with the largest breasts as per his last will and testament.