Lady Wainsworth's Desires
Lady Wainsworth's Desires is the first release in Marky Ramone's "Erotic Knights" series of erotic fiction. The book was released by Scribner's on 2/16/06, and Marky read an excerpt on the 1/31/06 show. Tom thought it was yucky and derivative; Marky thought it was "heavily erotic".
During the Revolutionary War, a young woman (Lady Wainsworth) married General Rupert Wainsworth, a high-ranking British general stationed in Massachussetts who showers her with all the accoutrements a lady in her position deserves. However, Lady Wainsworth wants Rupert's undivided attention, but he's so caught up in defeatin' Israel Putnam and the Colonial fawces that he can't think about his wife and makin' love. As a result, Lady Wainsworth's eye wanders and she sets her intentions on other people, namely a peasant stable boy who takes care of the Wainsworth horses: Marcus.
Tom suspected that the Marcus character was a stand-in for Marky himself, but Marky denied any autobiographical components in his work. In fact, Marky later dismisses the debut romance novel by former Ramones drummer Clem Burke as hamfisted and marred by obviously autobiographical lead characters. Burke's Heart of Glass is a Civil War-era tale of Mary Todd Lincoln's erotic encounters with a southern rebel drummer named Clement T. Burkhauser III.
Lady Wainsworth watched with great sadness as her husband mounted his steed and rode out of sight. Rupert was bound for a secret conclave with his Brtish Army compatriots, General Thomas Gauge and General Sir William Howe, to decide how best to handle potential Colonists uprisings. It had been so long since Lady Wainsworth had felt her once-attentive lover's touch that she could not be blamed for noticing the muscular, glistening upper torso of the 19-year-old stable boy, Marcus, as he carried an oversized bag of feed to the awaiting horses. Back at the house, Lady Wainsworth tried her best to busy herself planning what to wear to Gen. Gauge's gala costume ball, but she soon found that she could not banish the image of Marcus's rippling chest and powerful biceps from her tormented mind.
"My dearest Lord," Lady Wainsworth asked as she fell to the floor, "Why do you tempt me so with this gorgeous creation of yours? I am weak, and I know not if I can resist the tempation to partake of your wondrous bounty."
Unable to contain her passions, Lady Wainsworth soon found herself making the familiar walk down to the stable. The irony of the situation was not lost on Lady Wainsworth. This time a quarry at the stable would be a stallion of another kind -- a man stallion. One who could make her feel like a woman again, not a possession on the arm of a powerful general. When she reached the stable, Lady Wainsworth stopped and pressed an ear against its rough, weathered door. She could hear young Marcus grunting deeply as he bailed hay inside.
Lady Wainsworth pushed open the heavy stable door. The first thing she noticed was how incredibly hot it was inside. Second thing she noticed was Marcus's shimmering, strapping, powerful back. She gazed in wonder as the muscles ripped each time he impaled a mound of hay with his iron pitchfork. Lady Wainsworth walked slowly towards Marcus, who had not heard her enter the barn. As she entered, and neared him, Lady Wainsworth tried her best to avoid the pungent wave of body odor that emanated from Marcus every time he flung one of the bails of hay from his pitchfork. Now just inches away, Lady Wainsworth breathed deeply and placed her soft, delicate hands on Marcus's rugged shoulders. Startled, Marcus quickly turned to face the intruder. Confusion registered on Marcus's cherubic face as he looked in Lady Wainsworth's longing eyes.
"I'm sorry, my lady," said Marcus. "I didn't know you were desirous of a ride today. I shall fetch your usual steed."
Just then Lady Wainsworth grabbed Marcus's massive arm, stopping him in his tracks.
"I am desirous of a ride," she sighed. "But not from Buttercup."
With that, Lady Wainsworth pressed her lips against Marcus's. Marcus pulled away, his confusion growing deeper.
"But Lady Wainsworth, you are a noble woman, and I am a lowly stable boy," said Marcus. "And what if the general discovers us?"
"My husband is not due to return until it's morn," said Lady Wainsworth as she unbuttoned her blouse, revealing her heaving, ample bosom. "Come partake of my fruit basket."
Lady Wainsworth meets some guys en route to Philadelphia and becomes a Colonial spy, revealing her husband's secret battle plans. She also has these kinda dalliances with the key players: John Paul Jones, Paul Revere, Ben Franklin -- even a same-sex fling with Besty Ross. He said to expect a lot of double entendres involving drum stick girth.